Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
