wakey wakey hands off snakey
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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