I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
