saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
