I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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