I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
