Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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