So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
