My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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