is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
