alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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