I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
