Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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