I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize