I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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