what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
