So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
