Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize