Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
