I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
