even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When did angry sex become our thing?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
