They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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