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My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
