Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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