she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
