My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
pray to the hookup gods
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
