I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
