your parents love me but you hate me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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