Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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