So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
