Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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