You work out of a Hotel?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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