I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
