It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Are we still banned from the library?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
