What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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