i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
