yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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