I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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