Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
