you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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