How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
