she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
