Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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