Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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