Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
