I can tuck mytits in my pants
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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