i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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