So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize