I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
