i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
