would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
