grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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