speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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