...so i touched it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
how drunk are you?
Several
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
