What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
