i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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