bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize